the vicious cycle.

u know what..sometimes when you tell urself it's gonna be okay, that's when things really won't be okay.period. i dunno, i just feel like it's not gonna end the way i want it to. i just feel like it's gonna stay this way until one of us decide to so something about it. and i doubt i have the courage to do anything abt it. i just feel like it's not gonna happen. like ever.

it used to be fun, really fun. i used to feel special, loved, wanted, and desired. those feelings rarely come around now. and i hate it. i want him. like really really want him. but the thing is when ur in this kind of relationship, u can never seperate the truth from the lies. they are always one of the same and he thinks that's alright. it's not. it never is. when u know that that person will never leave you, will you have the fear of lying? will you ever feel like u'll lose the person if you do something wrong? no. because that person has already shown u signs or even told you they're never gonna leave you. well, i'm that person. so why should he stop lying when he knows
that i won't ever leave him, even if i find out that he's been lying to be face. am i digging my own sorry grave?maybe. if only i could tell him all these things. i used to think i could do so. but i don't feel like that anymore. i guess that's what happens when an affair starts to become a relationship.

why is it that when ur having an affair, the person whom ur having it with would seem like the world's most perfect man. he is the one who understands you the best and he is the one you would turn to, and he is definitely the one who would have the upper hand when you compare your affair with your relationship. an affair seems like the perfect escape from a dissatisfying, boring relationship. but what do you do when the affair starts to become and turn into the relationship that is dissatisfying and boring and most of all heart-breaking? yep, the one you were trying to escape from in the first place. hmm..something to think about, isn't it?