u know what..sometimes when you tell urself it's gonna be okay, that's when things really won't be okay.period. i dunno, i just feel like it's not gonna end the way i want it to. i just feel like it's gonna stay this way until one of us decide to so something about it. and i doubt i have the courage to do anything abt it. i just feel like it's not gonna happen. like ever.
it used to be fun, really fun. i used to feel special, loved, wanted, and desired. those feelings rarely come around now. and i hate it. i want him. like really really want him. but the thing is when ur in this kind of relationship, u can never seperate the truth from the lies. they are always one of the same and he thinks that's alright. it's not. it never is. when u know that that person will never leave you, will you have the fear of lying? will you ever feel like u'll lose the person if you do something wrong? no. because that person has already shown u signs or even told you they're never gonna leave you. well, i'm that person. so why should he stop lying when he knows
that i won't ever leave him, even if i find out that he's been lying to be face. am i digging my own sorry grave?maybe. if only i could tell him all these things. i used to think i could do so. but i don't feel like that anymore. i guess that's what happens when an affair starts to become a relationship.
why is it that when ur having an affair, the person whom ur having it with would seem like the world's most perfect man. he is the one who understands you the best and he is the one you would turn to, and he is definitely the one who would have the upper hand when you compare your affair with your relationship. an affair seems like the perfect escape from a dissatisfying, boring relationship. but what do you do when the affair starts to become and turn into the relationship that is dissatisfying and boring and most of all heart-breaking? yep, the one you were trying to escape from in the first place. hmm..something to think about, isn't it?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
oh, no she didn't!
i just have to get this off my chest! okay, this girl named neeney from our campus actually had the nerve to label us TESL students as retarded. hmm..i guess she cudn't find a dictionary or sumthing. but anyways, she claimed that the TESL students in her mandarin class are retarded and therefore have no charisma whatsoever to become future teachers.
well, i'm not gonna label her in return, i'm gonna say sumthing that i think you might find staggeringly true! first of all, we, TESL students aren't afraid to speak our mind and if we feel like there are things that we can say, we'll say it. we're loud, we're confident and we love it! instead of labelling us as RETARDED, try and observe your kind first. let me take a wild guess, in class, i bet you guys just keep quiet, look down at your uninteresting notes, repeat what the lecturer says like a mindless mime and when you observe a group of students who actually like to have conversations in class and who actually like to be active and participate in class activities, you laugh at them and call them retarded. hmm...it's sad really. honey, you need a mirror.
i feel soo much better now. :)
well, i'm not gonna label her in return, i'm gonna say sumthing that i think you might find staggeringly true! first of all, we, TESL students aren't afraid to speak our mind and if we feel like there are things that we can say, we'll say it. we're loud, we're confident and we love it! instead of labelling us as RETARDED, try and observe your kind first. let me take a wild guess, in class, i bet you guys just keep quiet, look down at your uninteresting notes, repeat what the lecturer says like a mindless mime and when you observe a group of students who actually like to have conversations in class and who actually like to be active and participate in class activities, you laugh at them and call them retarded. hmm...it's sad really. honey, you need a mirror.
i feel soo much better now. :)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
devil-ish encounters.plural.
Bonjour!!! the weekend is here! at laaaast..i have the weekend and i have my allowance..yay! maybe gonna go watch Rambo4 with Hafeez. but we'll see..never know his plans always change at the last minute. we went to France again today.hehe. sort of. we learnt how to describe a person. and guess what, i'm grosse. which means "fat" in French. out of all the bloody words in the English language, it had to be that one.well, the world's not fair..u take what you get. and we finally got the French textbook we were waiting for...finally..
speaking of textbooks, who in the world said that lecturers can force students to buy these books even if we dun wanna?? a stupid thin book costs 40 bucks just because cambridge published it and my lecturer said, "YES! u have to buy it".. well, what if i say i dun have money for it? is that my fault?? where does it say that we HAVE to BUY books.i stress BUY here because it involves money. yes, money! i wouldn't mind if i was getting paid to go to campus, like the lecturers do. the fact of the matter is, i get money from my father and no one has the right to tell me that i hav to spend that money on something i possibly wouldn't use at all. c'mon, you can only push us sooo far.damn pissed off about this. textbooks are the devil, heck! my lecturers could be devils. where is the justice??
okay so, we, linda and i, just realized that we only despise F when he is with N. without that self-obsessed woman, F is a doll. and then we realized that we used to hate N's ex-man when he was with her. it's like, N's evil aura is sooo eww that it spills over to whoever N touches. OMG! N's the seed of evil i tell you. now that N and the ex-man are over and N's trying to fill F up, we love the ex-man!! best friends! it's sad that one woman can cause all this commotion. i guess we just don't like it when foreigners try to destroy something good that we've tried to build up for soo long. hmm..makes you wonder what the human being is capable of when desperate for attention.for all the wrong reasons.
please F, see the light!! see the devil for who she really is!! we love you. please come back.
speaking of textbooks, who in the world said that lecturers can force students to buy these books even if we dun wanna?? a stupid thin book costs 40 bucks just because cambridge published it and my lecturer said, "YES! u have to buy it".. well, what if i say i dun have money for it? is that my fault?? where does it say that we HAVE to BUY books.i stress BUY here because it involves money. yes, money! i wouldn't mind if i was getting paid to go to campus, like the lecturers do. the fact of the matter is, i get money from my father and no one has the right to tell me that i hav to spend that money on something i possibly wouldn't use at all. c'mon, you can only push us sooo far.damn pissed off about this. textbooks are the devil, heck! my lecturers could be devils. where is the justice??
okay so, we, linda and i, just realized that we only despise F when he is with N. without that self-obsessed woman, F is a doll. and then we realized that we used to hate N's ex-man when he was with her. it's like, N's evil aura is sooo eww that it spills over to whoever N touches. OMG! N's the seed of evil i tell you. now that N and the ex-man are over and N's trying to fill F up, we love the ex-man!! best friends! it's sad that one woman can cause all this commotion. i guess we just don't like it when foreigners try to destroy something good that we've tried to build up for soo long. hmm..makes you wonder what the human being is capable of when desperate for attention.for all the wrong reasons.
please F, see the light!! see the devil for who she really is!! we love you. please come back.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
mime.half-hearted love.juice.
okay, so, linda, ridhwan and me have to perform something for literature class 2mrw. we have to mime. so, we chose britney's 'you drive me crazy', 'everytime' and 'toxic'. we watched this guy named josh doing it on youtube so we got the rough idea of it. kinda fun once we got the ball rolling and i sweated like hell! workout! yay! i haven't danced to a choreography in a while so i forgot how good it felt. yeah! damn good.
went to His place today. saw Him. making some stupid face because of something bad that happened between Him and his friends. i guess it should blow over soon. those boys have kindergarden children in their boxers, explains the attitude.so not surprised! so maybe it's not love, maybe it's a relationship, a half-hearted relationship that we both get a kick out of. maybe we're just not ready to call it quits. well, i love a bit of drama and mystery in movies, why not have some in my life? seems fair enough.
latest juice: F got all hot and heavy with N and proved the ex-boyfriend so so wrong!! could it be love? but is there trouble boiling between F and his friends because of N's presence? we'll just have to wait and see.
went to His place today. saw Him. making some stupid face because of something bad that happened between Him and his friends. i guess it should blow over soon. those boys have kindergarden children in their boxers, explains the attitude.so not surprised! so maybe it's not love, maybe it's a relationship, a half-hearted relationship that we both get a kick out of. maybe we're just not ready to call it quits. well, i love a bit of drama and mystery in movies, why not have some in my life? seems fair enough.
latest juice: F got all hot and heavy with N and proved the ex-boyfriend so so wrong!! could it be love? but is there trouble boiling between F and his friends because of N's presence? we'll just have to wait and see.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
last place.again.
i woke up today with an eye sore.literally. one eye. redder than the other and itches like a mother. all is under control though...bought some eyedrops at the pharmacy. linda and i killed the frost that was accumulating in our freezer..and got really excited doing it.like we always do. but then, we're getting really good at it.
the rest of the day, i kept on thinking about Him. linda said no..but she can't stop me from doing it if it's in my mind rite? i've been letting Him have his cake and eat it as well. he's got the best of both worlds (if you know wht i mean) and he's loving it. and i'm back where i always end up, sad and depressed over a guy who probably doesn't deserve me in the first place. is it the question of love or is it the question of need? two very different things that we easily confuse ourselves with. what if he is the person you see everyday, does that make him the person you love or who loves you? or do we simply tell ourselves that so that we can bear their presence everyday. so that we feel better when we do spend so much time with that person that it seems like love. in reality really, we need that other person because he makes us feel special, treats us like we are the ones meant to be with them. another question to ask is, do they please us because they want to?because it really is love?because we please them?or so that we please them? i've got all tangled up in your underwear now huh? good.
being the other one, the other person in the picture is never easy. no one wants a stranger in their perfectly framed picture of happiness. we know that, we all know that. but why still, do we subject ourselves to it? why do we let ourselves be slaves to our emotions when we know that there is nothing worst than being the third person. but everytime i tell myself this, it is always overshadowed by his sweet nothings in my ear, passionate kisses and wonderful hugs. i guess that's my weakness. hopeless romantic. since when was that wrong?
the rest of the day, i kept on thinking about Him. linda said no..but she can't stop me from doing it if it's in my mind rite? i've been letting Him have his cake and eat it as well. he's got the best of both worlds (if you know wht i mean) and he's loving it. and i'm back where i always end up, sad and depressed over a guy who probably doesn't deserve me in the first place. is it the question of love or is it the question of need? two very different things that we easily confuse ourselves with. what if he is the person you see everyday, does that make him the person you love or who loves you? or do we simply tell ourselves that so that we can bear their presence everyday. so that we feel better when we do spend so much time with that person that it seems like love. in reality really, we need that other person because he makes us feel special, treats us like we are the ones meant to be with them. another question to ask is, do they please us because they want to?because it really is love?because we please them?or so that we please them? i've got all tangled up in your underwear now huh? good.
being the other one, the other person in the picture is never easy. no one wants a stranger in their perfectly framed picture of happiness. we know that, we all know that. but why still, do we subject ourselves to it? why do we let ourselves be slaves to our emotions when we know that there is nothing worst than being the third person. but everytime i tell myself this, it is always overshadowed by his sweet nothings in my ear, passionate kisses and wonderful hugs. i guess that's my weakness. hopeless romantic. since when was that wrong?
Monday, January 21, 2008
Mundane Monday
My first blog! Yay!.. ok so..woke up..freaaakin early, as usual, to class it is! one thing annoying about mondays is the fact that the weekend just ended, and you suddenly, somehow just remembered all the things you were supposed to do during the weekend. bummer. so as if creeping out of bed wasn't hard enough, the thought of the agonizing 6 hours to come just topped it off with a bang!...
aahh...sitting in class, listening to one person talk for 2 solid hours (how do they do that??) and just hoping for the minutes to fly on by..but they don't...so you wait and wait. Mundane Monday..every freaakin Monday.
But then again, there's nothing a quick ciggie can't fix. so i move on. i'll survive. i assure you..i will. luckily, one of the lecturers cancelled her class, so..not such a bad monday today. i'm looking forward to next week. i heart stuctures now. :)
aahh...sitting in class, listening to one person talk for 2 solid hours (how do they do that??) and just hoping for the minutes to fly on by..but they don't...so you wait and wait. Mundane Monday..every freaakin Monday.
But then again, there's nothing a quick ciggie can't fix. so i move on. i'll survive. i assure you..i will. luckily, one of the lecturers cancelled her class, so..not such a bad monday today. i'm looking forward to next week. i heart stuctures now. :)
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